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(A liberal translation of the leader of the free world addressing his new regime in a Former State of the Union:)

T: Thank you, ladies and strongmen. Now that we’ve done away with the “T” on government documents and settled any confusion over pronouns, we can finally start on the other letters of the alphabet, as well as a few choice words with whom we will no longer be so choosy. This reform is to protect our children from the liberal propaganda of believing that you can be anything you want to be and nobody has to be a dick about it. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s a lot of bush (short for “bullshit,” an outdated barbarism of linguistic vulgarity).

T: As my father used to say: “You’ll never amount to anything.” And now look at me. I am living–here’s a doctor’s note–proof that you can be just as intellectually incontinent as you are morally decedent and still become president of what used to be the greatest country in the world (and will be again, despite your protests, whether you like it or not), so long as you believe in your own self-worth…enough to drown out the voice of your father’s ghost, if possible… Somewhere in the ballpark of a billion dollars (or maybe NOT!)

T: First thing’s first:

T: We in the present administration believe that no matter where you’re from or where you run or where you try to hide, all youth deserve a quality indoctrination. Therefore, in the spirit of libel, the Gulf of Mexico will no longer be called the Gulf of America like it now says on its birth certificate; in honor of me, our dear leader Ronald Reagan, and our new secretary for the Department of Re-Education, Linda McMahon, it will now be known as the Gulf of Ronald McDonald, our loyal sponsor and, take it from me, one heck of a clown–the perfect mascot to cheer on our youth as they chase the American Dream on a social media hamster wheel in the hopes that one day it’ll spin so fast that it falls off the rails. America’s clowned around far too long, but with this show of e-masculinity? No longer, friends. No longer.

T: Next: “woke” no longer has a definition. Nobody knew what it was in the first place–except narcoleptics. Also, “tootle-oo” is banned, and not because it’s gay, but because it’s just so in-your-face and on-the-nose and down-your-throat about it. Also, no semi-colons. Period. And finally, the letter “y.” Why is “y?” nobod knows. And now, if ou please–

MAGAMAN #1: Who?

T: Ou.

MAGA MAN #1798: Ou? Ah.

T: Ah… Ah! Is that supposed to be some kind of mind game to get me to talk and look and think and act like an orangutan? Because that is just so lower-middle class, and it takes two to orangu-tango, so no name-calling, ou!

D: Who?

T: Alright, we’re bringing the “Y” back. But no mixing with “X” (formerly known as Twitter). Those letters are equal, but must be kept completely separate.

M: Sir, men needs an “X” to round out the “Y.”

T: Nobody needs an “X.” That’s what we always say, isn’t it? Get over your “X?” I got over mine, and we’re already past Gen Z, so buckle up, buttercup.

M: Buttercup?

T: Yeah, yeah, I’m writing it down.

M: You can write?

T: Course I can, watch. I know the H 1 B, my ABCs, I got the STD–OMG, I can count all the way up to three. Can you believe that? It’s tremendous. Remember when Eric was three? I tell ya, you don’t know you‘re living the good old days until they’re well behind you. Last item on the docket: new rules for the letter “M,” the silent killer. Less condoms, more condos. Let manliness pour out of America in a beautiful white stream of disposable clones, that our seeds of freedom may fertilize the world and birth a new–Oomph. Now that I read it aloud it does smell like Bush.

M: Actually, it’s Musk.